Solidifying my Faith
Who is God and who am I?
Monday, November 18, 2002
Today my friend asked me if I could accept god and Jesus Christ as my personal savior, I told her I would think about it. She was worried on asking me because it's me were talking about it's not like we're talking about anyone else. I have a lot of issues with accepting a higher power that to me as I was growing up was too high up for my little prayers to be answered. I just started answering my own prayers fixing my own problems and forgot about God. He never saved me anyways. But if I look at it from a different point of view, I see that she might have a point about faith and belief. I still don't think that I could put my all into something so intangible something that I could never touch, see, talk to, and hear. I said would think about really think about it, I know that my family would love it that they would believe that I weren't going to hell after all, but I know a part of me would rebel at me accepting something that I don't know I can believe in, something that never saved me in the first place. I saved myself, my daddy and step mom saved me, my prayers were never answered in my eyes, and what about those who are going through exactly what I have been through who are praying to this God and they aren't being save either, people save people, people help people, people hear and touch and listen to other people. People are tangible people are real. I will think about it, I will ponder and decide I will listen, I will even attempt Sunday school on Sunday, but I being me might not change my mind. But I will try.
Shattered Glass...
The world spins in a pretty amazing way. God gives us the power of freewill and choice and how we choose to deal with those is totally up to us. So as I am watching my world yet again fall apart I wonder at how it would have turned out had I stayed in any of the places in my life that caused me pain. I could imagine ever doing so but if I had?
If I had I would be lost in a world of torment, I would be giving my life to the pain, I would be dying inside more and more, I would have given up...
I can't find a reason why I know those things except that I have given my life to a freedom of sadness and only recently tasted what it should be like...
I never slow down and take time for my self ever, I never realize how much I am self destructing until I see the shadows standing next to me, reminding me that I am still one of the many who have been so hurt that a huge part of their soul is lost to the past.
I look at myself everyday and wonder at how I have come so far? Given that very few in my life have actually had REAL faith in me, CHALLANGED me to break whatever mold that "destiny" gave to me. Very few have taken the time to actually love me for ME.
I can be so many different things, and I can care less what others think of me considering it will only bring pain. But there are those out there that I do care what they think of me...That I do love very much...so it's sad when the world that you work so hard to build falls apart. I have never in my life wanted to be saved, because to be saved means that you never really knew what it was like to fall, never really knew what it was like to go so far down coming back up the abyss just seems to hard, never really knew what it feels like to die a little more inside each day...because you always have someone there to catch you and save your landing. Those are precious moments, the days when you save YOURSELF from falling too hard, or running over the edge, or seeing there is a wall and you CAN go around it.
Still though, it's an amazing thing when you change your "destiny" by choosing the other road...but I never really liked the road less traveled, as much as I have been through the hardship and the pain, I would never take the easy way to my destination, because then I would feel as if I had nothing to show for myself except some woe is me story...
The ones where the person says "woe-is me look at how my life turned out, I didn't have anyone there and now I am stuck..."
I am not one of those people, yeah I have been through crap, a lot of it, some unnecessary some I caused to myself, and the rest is yet unknown considering I haven't seen it yet...but it will come it always does...difference is this...I am stuck but I will get out of the mud, I will get dirty I will fall down I will get back up and try again until I am on the ground and going..,
YOU ONLY FAIL, IF YOU DON'T TRY...
I have tried to be nice, I have tried to curve who I am to make other's happy, other's that I have loved...some more then they will ever know...but GOD made stubborn, bullheaded, unmoving, and opinionated...he also made me fiercely loyal, undying loving, and have the will to forgive where I shouldn't...because I love you...
Sad thing is I would have loved anyone that I am not around now or don't love me forever, if they just kept their promises...
While cleaning up my room yesterday, I broke my full length mirror. It was an accident...but I saw something in that shattered mirror that I have never seen in the whole one...
My reflection...
The real me, inside...
I saw a person broken into a million little pieces, and a few large pieces that were almost whole...but still while she was Shattered there was something shinning inside that said to be whole...
I had been Shattered...
Like the glass...
(Friday, August 25, 2006)
The Solidifying of my Faith
Last weekend was not the weekend in which I would say I would have ever wanted to experience...to put it lightly it was horrible...but I have a belief that with everything horrible comes a good...
I was in a situation were most would have thrown their hands in the air and given up on the one that they loved for their actions...but not me...I never really ever have done something like that...I don't give up on people...
By Sunday though what I would normally do I could not...I would normally take my anger and stuff it way down...I would take my disappointment and pretend I wasn't disappointed I would take my hurt and let it be where ever it landed. But I could not...
Some one that I love very much got very drunk and took it out on me...and all I could do was let it happen...all I could do was stand there as she hit me and scratched me and said horrible things to me...why? because I love her and I know she doesn't mean it...she's not like me she never really truly means what she says... this all started at around 1:30 and didn't end until 4:30-5:00 am and I had to be to church by 10:45 so there was no real sleep...
As she wanted to drive away somewhere through all of that I prayed...I asked God if he would just stop her...make it so she couldn't leave...no prove to me that he was there but save her...all I wanted was to have the rest of the night end without more hurt...I can handle physical but not mental and if she had gotten away it would have ended very badly...
Someone was listening...because she couldn't find her keys...and I didn't have and dad didn't have them...so who had them? She didn't have them until about 3pm Sunday afternoon...
The second thing that happened was more basic...I asked if I would have the strength to me and forgive this mistake...to let it go like I normally would...to not be angry because I hate being angry...and by Sunday after noon I had let it all go to God...
But the solidification that God does exist to me...does not lie in what happened to me...or how I forgave her....it's completely in the person who prayed for me and cried for me...I did not know this woman...never have I ever seen her before....but she saw me in the bathroom loosing my mind with my friend Tami by my side and she asked if she could pray for me...I said yes....now I can't tell really what she said because to me praying for someone else is very personal...and I was listening but I was feeling something else...release....
She prayed for my strength...she didn't know or understand why I was so upset...
She prayed for His will to be done...that she knew that he didn't give me I couldn't handle...
She prayed and cried for me...and I didn't know her....She CRIED for me and I had never seen her before...SHE TOUCHED MY SHOULDER and it all went away...when she was done....I felt lighter...freer....calmer...even though I was still mad I felt it seeping away...
By the afternoon it was like it was a distant memory...
When you ask in a time of great need....when you give all of who you are for God to see...then your faith in Him will be real because he will give you a sign...he will take it all away....
My faith was Solidified last Sunday...because he Knew that I needed him most just then...He saved me when He saved her, and took the anger...and sent me an earth angel to take it away....he freed me...
(Friday, December 22, 2006)
When you have nothing left...
God give me the strength to make it through...
To find the softer side of it all
God don't let me fall
Even though I know I just might
let me find a less bright target
don't let me die
when I fell like I just might
Don't let me jump when I loose all my strength
I ask of you nothing then what you know I can take
But please God give me the strength
I know I can do anything
as long as I have you....
(Sunday, October 15, 2006)
Monday, November 18, 2002
Today my friend asked me if I could accept god and Jesus Christ as my personal savior, I told her I would think about it. She was worried on asking me because it's me were talking about it's not like we're talking about anyone else. I have a lot of issues with accepting a higher power that to me as I was growing up was too high up for my little prayers to be answered. I just started answering my own prayers fixing my own problems and forgot about God. He never saved me anyways. But if I look at it from a different point of view, I see that she might have a point about faith and belief. I still don't think that I could put my all into something so intangible something that I could never touch, see, talk to, and hear. I said would think about really think about it, I know that my family would love it that they would believe that I weren't going to hell after all, but I know a part of me would rebel at me accepting something that I don't know I can believe in, something that never saved me in the first place. I saved myself, my daddy and step mom saved me, my prayers were never answered in my eyes, and what about those who are going through exactly what I have been through who are praying to this God and they aren't being save either, people save people, people help people, people hear and touch and listen to other people. People are tangible people are real. I will think about it, I will ponder and decide I will listen, I will even attempt Sunday school on Sunday, but I being me might not change my mind. But I will try.
Shattered Glass...
The world spins in a pretty amazing way. God gives us the power of freewill and choice and how we choose to deal with those is totally up to us. So as I am watching my world yet again fall apart I wonder at how it would have turned out had I stayed in any of the places in my life that caused me pain. I could imagine ever doing so but if I had?
If I had I would be lost in a world of torment, I would be giving my life to the pain, I would be dying inside more and more, I would have given up...
I can't find a reason why I know those things except that I have given my life to a freedom of sadness and only recently tasted what it should be like...
I never slow down and take time for my self ever, I never realize how much I am self destructing until I see the shadows standing next to me, reminding me that I am still one of the many who have been so hurt that a huge part of their soul is lost to the past.
I look at myself everyday and wonder at how I have come so far? Given that very few in my life have actually had REAL faith in me, CHALLANGED me to break whatever mold that "destiny" gave to me. Very few have taken the time to actually love me for ME.
I can be so many different things, and I can care less what others think of me considering it will only bring pain. But there are those out there that I do care what they think of me...That I do love very much...so it's sad when the world that you work so hard to build falls apart. I have never in my life wanted to be saved, because to be saved means that you never really knew what it was like to fall, never really knew what it was like to go so far down coming back up the abyss just seems to hard, never really knew what it feels like to die a little more inside each day...because you always have someone there to catch you and save your landing. Those are precious moments, the days when you save YOURSELF from falling too hard, or running over the edge, or seeing there is a wall and you CAN go around it.
Still though, it's an amazing thing when you change your "destiny" by choosing the other road...but I never really liked the road less traveled, as much as I have been through the hardship and the pain, I would never take the easy way to my destination, because then I would feel as if I had nothing to show for myself except some woe is me story...
The ones where the person says "woe-is me look at how my life turned out, I didn't have anyone there and now I am stuck..."
I am not one of those people, yeah I have been through crap, a lot of it, some unnecessary some I caused to myself, and the rest is yet unknown considering I haven't seen it yet...but it will come it always does...difference is this...I am stuck but I will get out of the mud, I will get dirty I will fall down I will get back up and try again until I am on the ground and going..,
YOU ONLY FAIL, IF YOU DON'T TRY...
I have tried to be nice, I have tried to curve who I am to make other's happy, other's that I have loved...some more then they will ever know...but GOD made stubborn, bullheaded, unmoving, and opinionated...he also made me fiercely loyal, undying loving, and have the will to forgive where I shouldn't...because I love you...
Sad thing is I would have loved anyone that I am not around now or don't love me forever, if they just kept their promises...
While cleaning up my room yesterday, I broke my full length mirror. It was an accident...but I saw something in that shattered mirror that I have never seen in the whole one...
My reflection...
The real me, inside...
I saw a person broken into a million little pieces, and a few large pieces that were almost whole...but still while she was Shattered there was something shinning inside that said to be whole...
I had been Shattered...
Like the glass...
(Friday, August 25, 2006)
The Solidifying of my Faith
Last weekend was not the weekend in which I would say I would have ever wanted to experience...to put it lightly it was horrible...but I have a belief that with everything horrible comes a good...
I was in a situation were most would have thrown their hands in the air and given up on the one that they loved for their actions...but not me...I never really ever have done something like that...I don't give up on people...
By Sunday though what I would normally do I could not...I would normally take my anger and stuff it way down...I would take my disappointment and pretend I wasn't disappointed I would take my hurt and let it be where ever it landed. But I could not...
Some one that I love very much got very drunk and took it out on me...and all I could do was let it happen...all I could do was stand there as she hit me and scratched me and said horrible things to me...why? because I love her and I know she doesn't mean it...she's not like me she never really truly means what she says... this all started at around 1:30 and didn't end until 4:30-5:00 am and I had to be to church by 10:45 so there was no real sleep...
As she wanted to drive away somewhere through all of that I prayed...I asked God if he would just stop her...make it so she couldn't leave...no prove to me that he was there but save her...all I wanted was to have the rest of the night end without more hurt...I can handle physical but not mental and if she had gotten away it would have ended very badly...
Someone was listening...because she couldn't find her keys...and I didn't have and dad didn't have them...so who had them? She didn't have them until about 3pm Sunday afternoon...
The second thing that happened was more basic...I asked if I would have the strength to me and forgive this mistake...to let it go like I normally would...to not be angry because I hate being angry...and by Sunday after noon I had let it all go to God...
But the solidification that God does exist to me...does not lie in what happened to me...or how I forgave her....it's completely in the person who prayed for me and cried for me...I did not know this woman...never have I ever seen her before....but she saw me in the bathroom loosing my mind with my friend Tami by my side and she asked if she could pray for me...I said yes....now I can't tell really what she said because to me praying for someone else is very personal...and I was listening but I was feeling something else...release....
She prayed for my strength...she didn't know or understand why I was so upset...
She prayed for His will to be done...that she knew that he didn't give me I couldn't handle...
She prayed and cried for me...and I didn't know her....She CRIED for me and I had never seen her before...SHE TOUCHED MY SHOULDER and it all went away...when she was done....I felt lighter...freer....calmer...even though I was still mad I felt it seeping away...
By the afternoon it was like it was a distant memory...
When you ask in a time of great need....when you give all of who you are for God to see...then your faith in Him will be real because he will give you a sign...he will take it all away....
My faith was Solidified last Sunday...because he Knew that I needed him most just then...He saved me when He saved her, and took the anger...and sent me an earth angel to take it away....he freed me...
(Friday, December 22, 2006)
When you have nothing left...
God give me the strength to make it through...
To find the softer side of it all
God don't let me fall
Even though I know I just might
let me find a less bright target
don't let me die
when I fell like I just might
Don't let me jump when I loose all my strength
I ask of you nothing then what you know I can take
But please God give me the strength
I know I can do anything
as long as I have you....
(Sunday, October 15, 2006)
posted by The hot mess | 12:30 PM
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