Choices

Sometimes you make choices that come from the heart; you don’t have to justify them you just have to live with them. The choices that I made as a child and am making today define me, making me who I am. I have found that I don’t have to apologize for them just know that I made them and move on with yet another chapter in my life. There is this saying that my parents are always telling me “you may have to grow old but you don’t have to grow up.” This has become the primary focus in my life as of late, it may sound odd but it’s true. It’s just taken me a long time to figure it out, to actually listen to the words that my parents had been telling me, my whole life. The same words that my teachers had been telling me all through school; slow down, calm down, And RELAX!!! There was one teacher that had said those things to me many times he actually told me that I needed to find the balance in my life, I needed to relax as well as stress out so that I would be equal within myself. I had listened but I hadn’t really listened until I went back to visit him one day, While I was in a hurry to go off some where else, on a time schedule that I find I am always on. I have for as long as I could remember done the living of my life on a schedule, within an order, to have no possible place without order. I have been trying this new method of living a little, and find that I like it, it doesn’t mean that I am changing who I am just giving myself some BALANCE, and in the process of finding this balance and new structure finding that I am coming to be my own person, not what everyone else wants me to be. It’s hard being outside of my comfort zone, hard knowing that I am not making myself sick with the structure that I so badly needed, and in my eyes so lovingly created. It’s hard growing old with out the completely growing up but I am finding that I enjoy the new challenge of this without the constant worry of time. So, yeah sometimes you make choices and they come from the heart, you really don’t have to justify them, but you really do have to live with them, and I am finding that could be the hardest part.
(Thursday, March 14, 2002 )