Today

Today I contemplated driving off the hill and colliding into another car.  Not because I felt like it would resolve anything but, I felt I wanted to do it. Maybe if i died I would be happy.  Instead however, I kept driving to my destination and ended up home

I See You

I see you

I have this urge to hold you

but my heart won't let me close

I have this need to be next to you

but you hold me at arms length

I WANT to be by your side

but you just won't let me in

I would love to be your lover

but i am fine with being your "friend"

Sometimes i get so mad...

and feel ashamed at how i love

because you don't feel the same...

I wish you could see what it is you do

to me

how you make it hard to breath

see...

think clearly...

I love being your friend

but sometimes at the days end

I die...

it's nothing you did or didn't do

I can't help how i feel

but when you are ready

I see you...

My Loving God

My Loving God

To you i surrendered
to you i fell
it was a long time coming
but now i finally see
what life with you
means

what it means to
truly
be free

i can't hide behind
my shame..anymore
not now...

you gave me a chance
at a life worth living
in my time of need
it's you i will run
to...

this time i welcome
the fall
i will not fight this
fall..

i need this break..
like all the others...
they make me stronger...

I need this break...
This break in my heart...

i cannot be mended
I cannot be sewn
back together...

this is where i belong
here in your open arms
in your never failing
always strong
arms...
in your fiath
in me...

this time i fall
to you
My loving God

The Darkness

There is a bigger version of the poem at The Darkness

Black and White: Yes, No, Maybe

Black and White: Yes, No, Maybe

The long journey to an old plan...

As I prepare myself for the new journey I am about to take I have given myself time to see where it is I need to be…I have taken time to reflect. And although I watch the world around me crumble I stand in awe of the fact that it is crumbling and I am not, it is falling and I am remaining strong on my rock content with just the little bit of land that I have.

My friends tell me that I lack the vision of myself that they see of me, and they are right on most levels. My baby sister says that I never take time for me, and she is correct. The choices that I am currently making are for me, completely one hundred and fifty percent for me.

I don’t like to be a burden on people, but I feel that I am…and I don’t like to fall, and lately that’s all I have seemed to do. But what I hate most is setting myself so high in my mind that when I fail to complete or follow through with the task I hurt myself.

Funny how God has stopped me from going down the path that I have been on before, now I will not kill myself to be perfect, because I am not perfect. I will not change myself because people think that I should. I will not follow God’s path because everyone wants me to…it will be my choice to hear what is his guidance.

What is this journey that I am going to be starting?

It’s my original plan: before I was side tracked by love, or heartache, or parents, or friends. The plan in which my talents were my dreams, how funny does that sound? At one point in time I loved my gifts that God gave me, but then I became what everyone wanted and I didn’t want them anymore.

I know that it sounds selfish to not share what I can do, or as a friend pointed out…I am trying to hard to hide them so others will see what else I can do that I have stopped to realized that the very things I don’t want recognition for go hand and hand with what I want to be known for.

That’s a Wow if I ever heard one; the way I took it was almost a slap in the face, at first. Then I thought about it, and wondered and reflected and realized that he was right. That the very things I do without even meaning to are the things that tie in with what I work so hard at, and I am not so much wasting them as being selfish with them. I am really good a sharing so why won’t I share my gifts, the things that are me to the core of my being? The very things that make me exactly who I am?

They are so much me that I don’t have a story in which my talents are somehow tied into it? Didn’t God make everyone different and special? I asked myself and the answer is yes he did. So what are you doing? I asked myself again, and the only answer I had was…to stop having those gifts…that’s not even close to being possible so now the question is this…

When will I take time for me?

Now.

I know that I have said that before but, I have found me doing things for me that I would have never had done. That other’s who know me really well are shocked that I am doing. Isn’t that a start?

I am making choices and I am not asking anyone’s advice, I don’t want anyone to be the deciding factor in my choices….except God. I love that I am remembering how to be me while being strong.

And, yes, I will ask for help when I need it…I am learning that I can’t do it all on my own either.

BUT, the original plan has been set in motion…and after I reflected I found that I didn’t really stray off my path…I just took the long way around.

Lost in Translation

Lost in translation
At times I feel so destructible
As if there were so many ways I could break
At times I feel lost in translation
Like every thing said to me
Makes no sense
If I could only decipher
If I could only plan
My feelings of lost in translation
Would never hit the ground
Running around in circles
Only seeing my own tracks
No one there to guide me
Always, always looking back
Forever hidden memories
Forever hidden dreams
Forever lost in translation
Or so it always seems