Black and White: Yes, No, Maybe

Black and White: Yes, No, Maybe

The long journey to an old plan...

As I prepare myself for the new journey I am about to take I have given myself time to see where it is I need to be…I have taken time to reflect. And although I watch the world around me crumble I stand in awe of the fact that it is crumbling and I am not, it is falling and I am remaining strong on my rock content with just the little bit of land that I have.

My friends tell me that I lack the vision of myself that they see of me, and they are right on most levels. My baby sister says that I never take time for me, and she is correct. The choices that I am currently making are for me, completely one hundred and fifty percent for me.

I don’t like to be a burden on people, but I feel that I am…and I don’t like to fall, and lately that’s all I have seemed to do. But what I hate most is setting myself so high in my mind that when I fail to complete or follow through with the task I hurt myself.

Funny how God has stopped me from going down the path that I have been on before, now I will not kill myself to be perfect, because I am not perfect. I will not change myself because people think that I should. I will not follow God’s path because everyone wants me to…it will be my choice to hear what is his guidance.

What is this journey that I am going to be starting?

It’s my original plan: before I was side tracked by love, or heartache, or parents, or friends. The plan in which my talents were my dreams, how funny does that sound? At one point in time I loved my gifts that God gave me, but then I became what everyone wanted and I didn’t want them anymore.

I know that it sounds selfish to not share what I can do, or as a friend pointed out…I am trying to hard to hide them so others will see what else I can do that I have stopped to realized that the very things I don’t want recognition for go hand and hand with what I want to be known for.

That’s a Wow if I ever heard one; the way I took it was almost a slap in the face, at first. Then I thought about it, and wondered and reflected and realized that he was right. That the very things I do without even meaning to are the things that tie in with what I work so hard at, and I am not so much wasting them as being selfish with them. I am really good a sharing so why won’t I share my gifts, the things that are me to the core of my being? The very things that make me exactly who I am?

They are so much me that I don’t have a story in which my talents are somehow tied into it? Didn’t God make everyone different and special? I asked myself and the answer is yes he did. So what are you doing? I asked myself again, and the only answer I had was…to stop having those gifts…that’s not even close to being possible so now the question is this…

When will I take time for me?

Now.

I know that I have said that before but, I have found me doing things for me that I would have never had done. That other’s who know me really well are shocked that I am doing. Isn’t that a start?

I am making choices and I am not asking anyone’s advice, I don’t want anyone to be the deciding factor in my choices….except God. I love that I am remembering how to be me while being strong.

And, yes, I will ask for help when I need it…I am learning that I can’t do it all on my own either.

BUT, the original plan has been set in motion…and after I reflected I found that I didn’t really stray off my path…I just took the long way around.

Lost in Translation

Lost in translation
At times I feel so destructible
As if there were so many ways I could break
At times I feel lost in translation
Like every thing said to me
Makes no sense
If I could only decipher
If I could only plan
My feelings of lost in translation
Would never hit the ground
Running around in circles
Only seeing my own tracks
No one there to guide me
Always, always looking back
Forever hidden memories
Forever hidden dreams
Forever lost in translation
Or so it always seems

Fall From Grace

Up the stairs
I stumble
As if in a drunken
Haze
Flying
Gliding
As I fall
From grace
I cry
I laugh
I sing
Up the stairs I stumble
Unable to move
Fearful
Like an angel
Whose broken
Her Wing
I fall
From grace
Swiftly
I am broken
I am bruised
I am torn
From the sky
As I fall
From grace
I cry
Sadly…

Monsters

There are monsters
Forming in my head
Hiding in my heart
Whispering in my ear
After dark

There are monsters
Nestled safely in my dreams
Projecting images
Causing dread
Inflicting fear
Bleeding through me

There are monsters
Tucked in tight
Always holding on
Letting go only
When they have been
Burned

There are monsters
Sucking me dry
Eating me from the
Inside out
Causing me pain

There are monsters
That live in me
Never letting go
Forming
Molding
Blending
To me

It’s frightening really
What they can do

There are monsters
Living in my head

Shadows Dancing

Shadows dancing

On the walls

With hidden messeges

In the flames of the

Fire

Singing songs

To the dark

Seeping within

Light stops

At the candles

Whispering flame

Books beg to be open

And read in the dark

Common sence knows

Better

Heart whispers

Messages

Anger shows in the dark

With nothing better

Than tears

Tears dance on the

Walls

Flames egging them on

Anger flows

With the talking

Flame

In the dark

Shadows dance

On the walls

Stripping Away Perfection

Stripping Away Perfection
Upon my face the rain Does fall,
Stripping away
The perfection
Without the mask The Make-up hides
I only see my
Reflection
Battered and bruised
Torn limb from limb
Without any protection
Hide away the tears
That fall
With the pouring rain
Upon my face the rain Does fall
Stripping away
The perfection
While on my knees
I beg and call
Crying only for answers
To my questions

Yes, No, Maybe

A card, with my picture inside that you took would have had me
A note, you made and addressed to me would have kept me
Something, that said that you wanted me to be yours
Goodbye, I didn’t even get that the day you left
Hello, I wanted to call and say that soo many times, what you have done if I had?
I miss you, every time I ran by your house
I hate you, for leaving me
I love you , I should have told you then
Wait don’t go, that would have stopped you enough to kiss you
Can I kiss you….? I should have done not almost asked
You left, that made me sad you were one of my best friends
You came back, and scared me half to death
By accident, we started right were we left off
It’s been too long….yet not long enough
Wait…did we do something wrong?
By never becoming a couple before all the hurt?
Do you love me really?
Will you break my heart?
No
Yes
Maybe
Be my wife he says to me
Stay forever always
This promise I can keep Always,
you be mine,
stay with me forever in time.
Yes
No
Maybe
Look what you’ve done to me.
You made me love you
I hate you, when you anger me
I love you, all the time
Go
Leave
Now!
No!
Don’t!
Stay
Come
back
I didn’t mean it after all
I want you to stay
With me
Yes
No
Maybe…..
The joys of love is always the ever present need of wanting
Even with the yes, no’s, and maybes
(November 4th, 2003)

Choices

Sometimes you make choices that come from the heart; you don’t have to justify them you just have to live with them. The choices that I made as a child and am making today define me, making me who I am. I have found that I don’t have to apologize for them just know that I made them and move on with yet another chapter in my life. There is this saying that my parents are always telling me “you may have to grow old but you don’t have to grow up.” This has become the primary focus in my life as of late, it may sound odd but it’s true. It’s just taken me a long time to figure it out, to actually listen to the words that my parents had been telling me, my whole life. The same words that my teachers had been telling me all through school; slow down, calm down, And RELAX!!! There was one teacher that had said those things to me many times he actually told me that I needed to find the balance in my life, I needed to relax as well as stress out so that I would be equal within myself. I had listened but I hadn’t really listened until I went back to visit him one day, While I was in a hurry to go off some where else, on a time schedule that I find I am always on. I have for as long as I could remember done the living of my life on a schedule, within an order, to have no possible place without order. I have been trying this new method of living a little, and find that I like it, it doesn’t mean that I am changing who I am just giving myself some BALANCE, and in the process of finding this balance and new structure finding that I am coming to be my own person, not what everyone else wants me to be. It’s hard being outside of my comfort zone, hard knowing that I am not making myself sick with the structure that I so badly needed, and in my eyes so lovingly created. It’s hard growing old with out the completely growing up but I am finding that I enjoy the new challenge of this without the constant worry of time. So, yeah sometimes you make choices and they come from the heart, you really don’t have to justify them, but you really do have to live with them, and I am finding that could be the hardest part.
(Thursday, March 14, 2002 )

She Builds A Wall

She builds a wall
A wall so high
No one can climb and
No one can see through
This wall has barb wire and chicken fencing around the outside
And where is the door? You might ask.
Well she didn't forget it
She just didn't build one there
She figures hell
If no one can get in
And I can't get out
Then I can't get hurt
Right?
Where is this wall you might ask?
In some foreign land
Filled with wild trees and fruit on the veins?
Is it in the forest with the wolves and the
Panthers passing by?
No
It’s around the heart,
If you have a wall around it then no one can break it
Right?
If you don't wear it on your sleeve
Or out in the open where every one can see
Then the bruises won't show
And the tears
They don't flow
Right?
And no one can see her pain
Right?
She says
"I’ll become the ice queen
And then they'll see
That no one not even I
Can hurt me."
But in time
she'll become only lonely
no friends
no enemies
save herself
No you
And no me
Just her
And her wall
(Monday, September 24, 2001)

When Waiting

When waiting for the night to fade
I wait for the dreams to stop.
The ones that terrify and make me cry.
But then I think of you and the dreams change
Then I smell your scent on a shirt
And
I am not dreaming the dreams anymore.
When waiting for the night to fade
I think of you.
(Friday, May 31, 2002)

Solidifying my Faith

Who is God and who am I?

Monday, November 18, 2002
Today my friend asked me if I could accept god and Jesus Christ as my personal savior, I told her I would think about it. She was worried on asking me because it's me were talking about it's not like we're talking about anyone else. I have a lot of issues with accepting a higher power that to me as I was growing up was too high up for my little prayers to be answered. I just started answering my own prayers fixing my own problems and forgot about God. He never saved me anyways. But if I look at it from a different point of view, I see that she might have a point about faith and belief. I still don't think that I could put my all into something so intangible something that I could never touch, see, talk to, and hear. I said would think about really think about it, I know that my family would love it that they would believe that I weren't going to hell after all, but I know a part of me would rebel at me accepting something that I don't know I can believe in, something that never saved me in the first place. I saved myself, my daddy and step mom saved me, my prayers were never answered in my eyes, and what about those who are going through exactly what I have been through who are praying to this God and they aren't being save either, people save people, people help people, people hear and touch and listen to other people. People are tangible people are real. I will think about it, I will ponder and decide I will listen, I will even attempt Sunday school on Sunday, but I being me might not change my mind. But I will try.

Shattered Glass...
The world spins in a pretty amazing way. God gives us the power of freewill and choice and how we choose to deal with those is totally up to us. So as I am watching my world yet again fall apart I wonder at how it would have turned out had I stayed in any of the places in my life that caused me pain. I could imagine ever doing so but if I had?
If I had I would be lost in a world of torment, I would be giving my life to the pain, I would be dying inside more and more, I would have given up...
I can't find a reason why I know those things except that I have given my life to a freedom of sadness and only recently tasted what it should be like...
I never slow down and take time for my self ever, I never realize how much I am self destructing until I see the shadows standing next to me, reminding me that I am still one of the many who have been so hurt that a huge part of their soul is lost to the past.
I look at myself everyday and wonder at how I have come so far? Given that very few in my life have actually had REAL faith in me, CHALLANGED me to break whatever mold that "destiny" gave to me. Very few have taken the time to actually love me for ME.
I can be so many different things, and I can care less what others think of me considering it will only bring pain. But there are those out there that I do care what they think of me...That I do love very much...so it's sad when the world that you work so hard to build falls apart. I have never in my life wanted to be saved, because to be saved means that you never really knew what it was like to fall, never really knew what it was like to go so far down coming back up the abyss just seems to hard, never really knew what it feels like to die a little more inside each day...because you always have someone there to catch you and save your landing. Those are precious moments, the days when you save YOURSELF from falling too hard, or running over the edge, or seeing there is a wall and you CAN go around it.
Still though, it's an amazing thing when you change your "destiny" by choosing the other road...but I never really liked the road less traveled, as much as I have been through the hardship and the pain, I would never take the easy way to my destination, because then I would feel as if I had nothing to show for myself except some woe is me story...
The ones where the person says "woe-is me look at how my life turned out, I didn't have anyone there and now I am stuck..."
I am not one of those people, yeah I have been through crap, a lot of it, some unnecessary some I caused to myself, and the rest is yet unknown considering I haven't seen it yet...but it will come it always does...difference is this...I am stuck but I will get out of the mud, I will get dirty I will fall down I will get back up and try again until I am on the ground and going..,
YOU ONLY FAIL, IF YOU DON'T TRY...
I have tried to be nice, I have tried to curve who I am to make other's happy, other's that I have loved...some more then they will ever know...but GOD made stubborn, bullheaded, unmoving, and opinionated...he also made me fiercely loyal, undying loving, and have the will to forgive where I shouldn't...because I love you...
Sad thing is I would have loved anyone that I am not around now or don't love me forever, if they just kept their promises...
While cleaning up my room yesterday, I broke my full length mirror. It was an accident...but I saw something in that shattered mirror that I have never seen in the whole one...
My reflection...
The real me, inside...
I saw a person broken into a million little pieces, and a few large pieces that were almost whole...but still while she was Shattered there was something shinning inside that said to be whole...
I had been Shattered...
Like the glass...
(Friday, August 25, 2006)


The Solidifying of my Faith
Last weekend was not the weekend in which I would say I would have ever wanted to experience...to put it lightly it was horrible...but I have a belief that with everything horrible comes a good...
I was in a situation were most would have thrown their hands in the air and given up on the one that they loved for their actions...but not me...I never really ever have done something like that...I don't give up on people...
By Sunday though what I would normally do I could not...I would normally take my anger and stuff it way down...I would take my disappointment and pretend I wasn't disappointed I would take my hurt and let it be where ever it landed. But I could not...
Some one that I love very much got very drunk and took it out on me...and all I could do was let it happen...all I could do was stand there as she hit me and scratched me and said horrible things to me...why? because I love her and I know she doesn't mean it...she's not like me she never really truly means what she says... this all started at around 1:30 and didn't end until 4:30-5:00 am and I had to be to church by 10:45 so there was no real sleep...
As she wanted to drive away somewhere through all of that I prayed...I asked God if he would just stop her...make it so she couldn't leave...no prove to me that he was there but save her...all I wanted was to have the rest of the night end without more hurt...I can handle physical but not mental and if she had gotten away it would have ended very badly...
Someone was listening...because she couldn't find her keys...and I didn't have and dad didn't have them...so who had them? She didn't have them until about 3pm Sunday afternoon...
The second thing that happened was more basic...I asked if I would have the strength to me and forgive this mistake...to let it go like I normally would...to not be angry because I hate being angry...and by Sunday after noon I had let it all go to God...
But the solidification that God does exist to me...does not lie in what happened to me...or how I forgave her....it's completely in the person who prayed for me and cried for me...I did not know this woman...never have I ever seen her before....but she saw me in the bathroom loosing my mind with my friend Tami by my side and she asked if she could pray for me...I said yes....now I can't tell really what she said because to me praying for someone else is very personal...and I was listening but I was feeling something else...release....
She prayed for my strength...she didn't know or understand why I was so upset...
She prayed for His will to be done...that she knew that he didn't give me I couldn't handle...
She prayed and cried for me...and I didn't know her....She CRIED for me and I had never seen her before...SHE TOUCHED MY SHOULDER and it all went away...when she was done....I felt lighter...freer....calmer...even though I was still mad I felt it seeping away...
By the afternoon it was like it was a distant memory...
When you ask in a time of great need....when you give all of who you are for God to see...then your faith in Him will be real because he will give you a sign...he will take it all away....
My faith was Solidified last Sunday...because he Knew that I needed him most just then...He saved me when He saved her, and took the anger...and sent me an earth angel to take it away....he freed me...
(Friday, December 22, 2006)

When you have nothing left...
God give me the strength to make it through...
To find the softer side of it all
God don't let me fall
Even though I know I just might
let me find a less bright target
don't let me die
when I fell like I just might
Don't let me jump when I loose all my strength
I ask of you nothing then what you know I can take
But please God give me the strength
I know I can do anything
as long as I have you....
(Sunday, October 15, 2006)

She Writes

She writes never quite knowing why.
She feels that maybe, she can set part of her free, the part that is locked up.
Maybe she wants others to understand her more, or just to hear.
She screams “let my words go free, let them flow! When will I be heard?!”
She wonders if even she will loose herself, to this new world order. This “war” War against what? NO, NOT AGAINST WHAT? But for OIL!
She screams “This is a land grab, innocents are dying! How come no one seems to care or ask questions?”
She writes about how we are letting him, no inviting him to take our basic human rights away.
She screams, “WHY?!”
She asks, “Why?”
She writes, “Why?”
But she hears nothing, no response.
She says, “This is not right, this is not just! He is a thief of the highest degree, with the face of the common man.”
To her, his face says “Trust me for I am the one that will save and guide and help you. I will be your new lord, you will bow down to me and I will grant thee safe passage.”
She sees that they follow, because he says to follow
And she sees that they trust him, because he wishes it so
And she sees that they don’t ask questions because he can’t answer them truthfully.
She asks, “What ever happened to “chosen for the people, by the people, to serve the people?” He doesn’t serve the people he serves himself can’t you see that? I did not choose him!”
She writes but no one listens, she speaks but they all turn their heads.
She follows the transcendentalist quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson “Speak now in hard words what tomorrow thinks and tomorrow speaks what tomorrow thinks in hard words again”
She says, “Speak what’s on your mind! Don’t be afraid, if we live in fear of our words we will always be in fear, I am not the only one that speaks my mind.”
She writes, maybe she will unlock that part of her.
Maybe she will, exercise her right to free speech, before all her rights are gone.
Or maybe she’ll just write.
(I am a very political person, but I don't let my polotics get in the way of my beliefs...but you can believe on thing and think opposite if opposite is just and right in your soul...so this is one of the political poems i have, i am not too sure it falls under dark or light, it's just a shade of gray.)

It only hurts all the time...

It only hurts all the time
She only breaks down when she cries
She swears on the moon and the stares in the sky that
It only hurts all the time
She swears that nothing has changed
And she will be okay
But when the moon comes out
And the lights they go down
It only hurts all the time
She knows that sometimes love does go
And that it will change and the memories will fade
But it only hurts all the time
But it only hurts all the time
She only breaks down when she cries
She swears on the moon and the stares I the sky
That it only hurts all the time
She only thinks when alone
About the memory of coming home
To find that he left with nothing to say
It only hurts all the time
She know that in time love will come
She dreams her dreams in the silence of things
But it only hurts all the time
(Wednesday, August 13, 2003)

When We Were Young

When We Where Young

I don’t remember much about my childhood. I only remember bits and pieces, most of which revolved around fights with my older sister. The normal stuff; I was always in the way, why didn’t I just leave her alone, didn’t I have something better to do? The fact was; no, she was my older sister. No matter how many times I said I hated her it wasn’t half as much as I loved her.

Five years younger and always in the way, she had her own world and I wasn’t part of it. I wasn’t quite old enough to go to school, and I only had a few friends from the neighborhood but she was really who I wanted to spend my time with. We were hardly ever nice to each other when we were together. Come to think of it we were hardly ever-spent time with one another.

There were those choice few times that were around each other and liked one another. It was then when it was the best times; those were the times after my little sister had just been born. I was no longer the baby; I no longer got everything that I wanted. Those were the times I had my own room. I was so proud of that room, I remember. That room deemed me a big girl, like my sister. I loved that room I loved being big.

There was one time; I didn’t particularly care to be in my “big girl” room. I was scared that night and I don’t remember why, but I did not want to be alone, I did not want to be a big girl. So I crawled out of my bed and went down the stairs to where my sister slept. She was never a heavy sleeper so I am sure she heard me come down the stairs to her door. She was aggravated that I had woken her, frustrated with me yet again. That night I didn’t care because she was my older sister and I looked up to her, I knew that she would protect me even if it were only for one night.

I told her I was scared, asking if I could sleep with her just this once. For the first time in my small little life I saw her soften and with a slight smile she said that I could. She ushered me into her room, tucked me into the big bed with her, and read me a story until I fell asleep. Now I can’t tell you what story it was, but I can tell you I remember the smell of her room and how the bed felt larger then life to my small body. I don’t know if I dreamt that night, I do remember cuddling with her and knowing that I was safe in her arms.

Now as I said before I don’t remember much about when my sister and I were younger and when I do remember it’s mostly sad. I think this is only one of the good times that I felt contented, safe, and happy. Lying in her arms as she read to me, my five year old face looking up to her asking her questions, knowing that she would answer them, frustrated that I just could not be quiet. Knowing at five that I wanted to be just like her. When we were younger, she didn’t know it, but then I idolized her. I think about what she’s done with her life and what I have yet to do with mine. I think about how maybe it would be safer lying in her arms, having her protect me maybe…just one more time.

Fate?

Back when I was younger my dreams were complex and would often center on me somehow saving the world. In my little mind I needed to prove that because I was female didn’t mean that I couldn't be strong and noble, I wanted to do the same activities that men did, I wanted to b good enough. I wanted to be a singer of great wealth and notoriety adding to that I wanted to be a policewoman and...and...and.

As I aged my dreams became a little less complex, a little less of everything, a little less of me proving myself to others. they became a little more centered, a little more ordered. Throughout my whole life one part of my simple dream never failed to excite my simple heart. It never faltered in making me want to sore and show my gifts, it never made me feel less than talented even when I was being told that I couldn’t possibly do this and make a living out of it. I sang, I sing, not for anyone in particular most times to a song on the radio.

It calms me, I no longer see myself wealthy with my voice paving the way for others like me. I see myself singing to small children in a classroom somewhere teaching them how to spell, or someday maybe far from now singing lullabies to my children.

It’s not my main dream it’s just kind of incorporated it’s self into my life, manifesting itself into my work a day schedule. Now my dreams are different, they are so much simpler than my dreams of childhood; no more worrier princess, with a little bit of Amazon, and a pinch of business woman tied in for good measure.

Now all I want to do is write and read anything and everything I can. I want to know and teach and inspire and if I get to sing along the way, May whoever guides my life pave that path into my now simple world.

Let these words be my song.

In light of all that has happened in my youth, in the dawn of my adulthood I find that just maybe my simple dreams, my simple pleasures, my simple hopes, my simple gifts, can be beacons for those who might not have the simplicities of my life.

I wonder if my dreams and hopes for a simpler stronger world, tower over their complex dreams; I wonder if maybe they try for a less time consuming goal, that they can see that running and running and running isn’t the answer.

Maybe my song can be a song that speaks to someone else, and they can add their verses. Maybe someone else’s dream can do the same, and one day all life will be as simple as mine.

As I grow I notice one thing; complex dreams stand in the way of beautiful sunsets, breathtaking oceans, heart warming family moments, and the simplicities of life. I wonder if we stop and watch the simple things in life, will we see that we run to fast and forget that there is a common voice; a common song, and I wonder if maybe my simple dream from my childhood is the song that we all share, but in the process of growing up, our childhood worlds stood still.

In light of all that has happened in the past year, I find that I value more and more my simple life, and my simple song.
(Wednesday, September 18, 2002 This was written right after September 11th first anniversary)

Fare Thee Well

Fare thee well my long time friend,
Please don't stray too far.
Fare thee well my well missed friend,
You will always stay in my heart.
Hand in hand I will walk with you
Never more to be so sad
Fare the well my long time friend
I loved thee time we had.
Never will I know a friend
One as grand as you
Fare thee well my long time friend,
Please come back to me soon.
If you stay away from me
Remember one small thing
I wish you health love and happiness
And our friendship no matter how far apart will never end
So fare thee well my long time friend
Please don't stray too far.
(Tuesday, April 08, 2003 )

Failed

Heart Broken

I sat by my window
And watched the
Day go by
Something
Stopped and
Reminded me of
You
My Heart Skipped a Beat
I Knew I couldn't breath
Then it was
Gone

There are times when
The days they just flow
And the moments seem to
Go without a thought of you
There are times when the days
Turn to nights
And the hours seem to fly
Without a thought of you
And something reminds me
And my heart just skips a
Beat
I know I cannot breath
Then it's
Gone

Soemtiems hearts are broken
By the least likly person
And you feel as if you can't
Let go
Sometimes hours seem like
Minutes
When your heart just knows
When you feel the pain and you
Die...

And you feel that you won't
Mend inside
Everyone knows, all you can do
Is go to the place where
Broken Hearts go
To a Place where you can
Say
Good-bye
But you don't say the words
You fear that with them
You won't come back
And you don't
Heart Broken

Safe

At Beauty

At Beauty

You
Don't understand
The
View of myself
Is nothing like
What you
See

It's distorted
Used
Battered
And
Bruised
To me
I am
Fat
I am
Ugly

I don't
See
The
Beauty
That you
Claim
Is there

All myself
Is lost to the
Shadows
To the
Dark
And
Unforgiving
Pain
The Shadows
Laugh at me
At the
One
You call
Beauty

(December 03, 2004)

A Fire Inside

A fire inside
Burns to my feet
And I can’t shake
The Sadness within
These tears
I’ve held long
Not one had been shed
Only for fear of
Shame
My anguish is like
A broken
Lullaby
My sorrow like
The raging
Sea
Never more do I
Wonder
At what was
Or could have been
Or will be
A fire inside
Burns to my feet
And I can’t shake
The
Sadness
Within

Short But Sweet

I let you stand beside me
I even let you guide me
I let you love me as long as I could
I let you in so sweetly,
You borrowed so discreetly
It's like you were always there
But always gone
I let you stand beside me
I even let you guide me
I let you love me like a thief in the night
I let you hold me tightly
Even lightly
I let you go
When I needed you most
I didn't want to you hurt you
But I didn't want to need you
I held on as long as I could
You were the one I turned to
The one I learned from
The one I held
Longer then the rest…
I let you stand beside me
I even let you guide me
I let you love me like a thief in the night
I let you hold me tightly
Even lightly
I let you love me
As long as I could

A Million Pieces

A Million Pieces

You are broken,
Torn,
Bruised,
Scared...

You are not ready...

But there is a patience that can
Withstand time if you ask it too...

You don't want to hurt me
Or be like the other one's before...
but if I believed that you would be
I
Would have left...

I want to take care of you,
Grow with you,
Change with you...

I want to piece together the millions of little pieces
That are the semblance of your heart.

I want to love you...

But you have to want to love me in return.
You have to want to believe that I will not stop
Being me
For you
I will not stop
Growing
And
Changing
Because you are closer

I will not stop...

(Tuesday, February 27, 2007 )

...Without a Fight...

...Without a Fight...

I am supposed to be strong
I am supposed to do what's right
I am supposed to more than just survive

Then why are my insides turning,
And my heart continuing to burn?

Why am I so close to failing?

Why am I about to fall?

How come no one wants me?

How did I get this far down?

I haven't been her in forever
I haven't felt this way in years

I am not sure I can do this
I am not sure I can hold back
All these tears

This is just to much for me
And I am about to break

I have nothing left to fight for
I have nothing left to give

If this be my ending
Let it be known

That even I can give up
...Without a fight...

(Friday, March 02, 2007 )

Pray...

Pray...

When times get hard
Your supposed to pray

But just don't feel like praying
I feel like screaming and dying
And wishing it all would stop

I don't feel like admitting
And
Telling God that I have caved in

I don't feel like breaking
And
Waisting my time feeling sorry for myself

I can just chalk it up to another bad day
In hell

No I don't feel like praying
And
Hoping that God will save me now

Not saying that I don't love
My God
But I just don't feel like it right now

I don't feel like
Begging
And
Pleading for the help of others

I don't' feel like
Giving up
Besides I am just not that strong

I know that when your world
Is
Falling apart you are supposed to
Pray

But I just don't feel like
It.

(March 02, 2007)

Second Best

Second Best

C.
I don't want to be the one that you settle for.
I don't want to be the one that you don't really want.
I don't want to be the one that's not in your dreams.
I don't want to be second best.

V.
I don't want to be the one that's not you every breath.
I don't want to be the one who just comes second best.
If this is all i have to give to you.
Please take what's yours and leave.
I don't want to be second best.

C.
I don't want to be the one that you settle for.
I don't want to be the one that you don't really want.
I don't want to be the one that's not in your dreams.
I don't want to be...
I don't want to be...
Second best...

B.
How hard is it to love me?
What is it that i don't have?
Why don't you just miss me, even if it's all i have left?

V.
I don't want to hide behind the shadows anymore.
I don't want to wait for the heartbreak anymore.
I can't face another day of uncertianty...
I don't want to be....
Second Best...

C.
I don't want to be the one that you settle for.
I don't want to be the one that you don't really want.
I don't want to be the one that's not in your dreams.
I don't want to be...
I don't want to be...
Please don't make me be...
Second best...

(Saturday, March 03, 2007)

We Just Are...

We Just Are...


There was a bridge and the chance to jump came steady and strong.
It wasn't a tall bridge or a wide bridge or even a physical bridge,
it was that one that you sit on in you mind...
A steady constant place where most of us just survive,
We stand and we think...
We wonder about life in all it's infinite glory,
Most of us cry...
not because we are happy,
not even because we know we aren't happy,
we just cry...
Some of us find the choice to stay perched on this metaphysical seat or stone or mortar comforting
we can say "i don't' have anything left"
that's where the jumping comes in..
In a split second you can choose in your heart and your mind
to let go...
To give it all up...no regrets...no looking back...
Some of us give up because it's just to hard...
Some of us give up because to stay it's like killing ourselves a million times over..
Some of us are just tired...
Those of us that don't give up...
Sometimes wish we had...
Sometimes know that we are better off never knowing or giving into that pain or release...
Some of us are just trying to stay true to whatever it is we believe...
Some of us are just too scared to choose...
Either way...
We never truly step off that bridge do we?
We never truly try for something better...
or new...
or wonderful...
We just are...

(Wednesday, March 07, 2007)

The Good-bye

The Good-bye

There was a sadness
That seemed to seep
There was a wavering sorrow
In her eyes
There was a mystery
That seemed to weep
From the very depths of her soul
There was a wish
That she kept on the tip of her tongue
Like the secret she kept locked in the cellar of her heart
It called to her every once and a while
It made her remember her past
She believed in something bigger than her
Her dreams were the dreams of the broken
There was a sadness
That seemed to seep
It poured from her
And it came out in weeping hiccups
All she wanted was the peaceful joy of loving another
All she wanted was the sunrise to shine in the eyes of someone who loved her in return
But she was lacking one thing…the faith of her very being to provide for her the faithfulness from another.
The sadness...
The sorrow...
The mystery...
They all entwined with nothing and everything all at once

This was the Good-bye.

(Thursday, March 15, 2007 )